Draconian vs Blaisezonian Idiocy
by autumnmist715
Summary: Draco and Blaise get into a rather heated debate about idiocy.


"Draco, mate, sometimes you're a real idiot."

"Am not!"

Blaise just looked rather pointedly at his friend and waited.

"Okay, so sometimes I am. It's not like you haven't had your idiot moments! What about the time you-"

"Oh-ho, you really want to get into this? You know I can beat you, hands down. You've done some pretty _stupid_ things during these years that I've known you. Just remember, if you start it, I'll finish it, and we've got eighteen years of Draconian idiocy to cover."

"Well, if we've got eighteen years of Draconian idiocy to cover, don't we have equal number of years of… of… of **Blaisezonian** idiocy, too?!?!"

"Dude, that isn't a word."

"Oh _yeah_?"

"Draco's idiocy point one: He comes up with words like 'Blaisezonian'."

[_grr_] "Blaise's idiocy point one: When he gets into a fight, he uses his pedantic tone of voice in hopes that it will cause his opponent to be overcome with his smartness! Well, it won't work on me! I won't succumb! I. Am. More. Intelligenter!"

[_laughter_] "Draco's idiocy point two: One, no, two words. More intelligenter. I love it when you get mad, Drakey; you're making this contest so much easier on me. So far, I haven't had to think up instances of your idiocy at all!"

[_sputter_] "Just you wait then, you-"

"'Just you wait, Henry Higgins?'"

"What?! What the bloody hell are you talking about? Who's Henry Higgins?" [_turns around wildly to see if some unknown person is behind him_]

[_sighs_] "Never mind. Culture reference. Which leads me to Draco's idiocy point three: He is an uncultured imbecile who only knows pureblood, elitist artists and musicians. Any reference to anything outside of that tiny box is lost to him."

"Hey! I didn't finish my Blaisezonian idiocy point two! You cut me off! You interrupted me! You didn't let me fini-"

"Draconian idiocy point _four_: For some reason, he reiterates everything he says. Notice, if you will, that cutting someone off, interrupting someone, and not letting someone finish what they were saying are all ways of saying that I didn't let him point out whatever he thought I had done in the past that was idiotic. Then again, maybe I should let him state his points so that I can point out the fact that the time I called him an ape was not, in fact, an instance of my idiocy, but rather, a metaphorical reference to his immediate behavior at the time. I was not hallucinating."

"You were, too! Your eyes were all glassy and strange looking and you were looking over my left shoulder instead of looking at me! ME! Everyone's supposed to look at me!!!"

"I was looking at Miranda Plume, Draco. She was walking towards us, heading to Potions I would think, and she was looking especially delectable that day. Draco's idiocy point five: He thinks everything is about him. It's not. It's all about me."

"Miranda Plume? Isn't she the girl that-"

"Turned you down when you asked her to 'accompany' (those were your exact words…) you to Hogsmeade? Yes, that would be her. And just so you know, she and I had great fun on the Hogsmeade trip. She's a great kisser."

[_squawk_] "She went with _you_?!? So that's the bastard I saw with her while I was stuck with Theo and Adrian! And what do you _mean_ that not everything's about me? Of course everything's about me! I mean, just look at me! I'm blonde, I'm wealthy, I'm willing to spend that wealth on whichever beautiful female accompanies me to a destination of my choice, I'm witty, I-"

"-could go on all day…"

"I'm handsome, rather gorgeous if I say so myself, I'm smart, I have a sense of humor, I-"

"-am getting boring…"

"-am in the top three of Witch Weekly's 'Hottest at Hogwarts' survey and subsequent article, which artfully details just how wonderful I am in detail with actual interviews and quite a number of pictures, and includes a bonus pull-out, full- sized, black and white poster of me which just expounds on my hotness in a way words could not describe-"

[_exasperated_] "They _know_, Draco, you made sure _every single_ person in _every single_ year and _every single_ house of Hogwarts received a copy of that issue of Witch Weekly, even if they don't normally subscribe to the magazine. Draconian idiocy point six: He's not subtle."

"Subtle?! Who has to be subtle when they look like _me_!? Just one look at me and everyone can see that _I_ don't need to be subtle. Everything's already there! Who needs subtlety?"

"Draco's idiocy point seven: He's insanely stubborn. He won't accept what he doesn't believe is true… which can be a good thing if you're talking Quidditch (Slytherins for victory!), but most of the time can be a gigantic pain in the arse, like when you're talking Quidditch (seekers are _not_ the best position, Draco, chasers have so much more style and flying proficiency… like me.) or sweets (chocolate is by far the best invention ever—NOT MARSHMALLOWS… [_cough_Draco_cough_]) or Granger (there are times, I tell you, when his insistence that she's the greatest catch at Hogwarts that I honestly wonder if he's gone bonkers. The perfect girl is obviously Weaselette) or-"

[_horrified_] "Blaise! Tell me you did not just announce to the entire Muggle world that I think that Hermi-Granger is cute!"

"Draco, I did not just announce to the entire Muggle world that you think Granger is cute… You did that quite well on your own."

"Augh!!!"

"Well, folks, now that Draco here is reduced to a semi-comatose, twitching albino, let's move on, shall we? Onto Draco's idiocy point seven: He overreacts at the slightest provocation. Like the time when he was four and he turned my beautiful black silky locks into a poofy green afro and made all the girls in our preschool class laugh at me, including Miranda Plume (she was hot back then too… and that's the only time he _ever_ made her laugh, then or now… so there, Drakey-poo) and made me a chick magnet… literally. Seriously, all these damn baby chickens started flying out from nowhere (yes, I know chickens can't fly, but dude, this was wandless magic, okay? Things happen that aren't suppose to happen) and they _**stuck to me**_!!! To this day, I still give a bit of a shiver whenever I see chicken… makes eating dinner at Hogwarts hard I tell you. Oh, look. He's stopped twitching."

"Tell the people _why_ I turned your damn hair into a giant cotton candy bush, Blaise. And next time you tell that story, make sure you call it _emerald_ green. It adds a touch, it does."

"I can't help it that you thought sapphires were the green things in your mom's jewelry! I _had_ to correct you. You were making a fool of yourself—it was that stubbornness kicking in again. I hate to tell you this, I mean, I've kept it a secret this long, but Miranda wasn't truly laughing at my hair, you know. She was laughing at your attempt to show all the girls your knowledge about precious gems. After all, you were the one who said that _all_ proper pureblood males should know their diamonds and _sapphires_ by the age of three. It's practically a requirement, you said."

"Hrumph."

"That was very eloquent of you."

"Blaise's idiocy point TWO: He states the obvious. All the time. With idiot statements like, 'You lost the snitch to Potter again, Malfoy. And Hermione was actually watching this game—she didn't have a book with her this time' and 'Here she comes, here she comes! Now's your chance, Drakey-poo! She's getting closer... closer… closer… And there she goes…' I mean, can you see how **annoying** that is?! It was quite obvious, Zabini, that Hermione was walking down the hall… towards us… but did you _really_ have to point the fact out, OUT LOUD, **right** when she was walking past us!?! Did you _see_ the look on her face?! You're an idiot, Blaise, an absolute, down right, flaming idjut."

"You liiiiiiiiiiike her, don't you, Draco my boy?" [_heh heh heh…_]

"Nooo, I didn't say that! I don't like that… that… _Gryffindor_!"

[_cackles_] "Su-ure you don't. Draco's idiocy point eight: he won't just admit that he's got the biggest crush I've ever seen on Potter and Weasley's mutual girl friend-"

[_yelling_] "She's NOT their girlfriend! She's mine, I tell you, MI-"

"Girl-_space_-friend, you idiot, _not_ _**girlfriend**_!"

"Oh."

[_sighs_] "See what I mean? Draco, mate, just _tell_ her. No use making yourself miserable over one girl when there's plenty more who'd love to go out with you. Although, personally, there's just the Weaselette for me…"

"But Blaise, Hermione isn't just _any_ girl, she's _the_ girl… she's special. And beautiful. And intelligent. And her smile… and her eyes… and her hair…"

"… and her friends…"

"What?! No, not her friends—eww… but have you seen her smile, Blaise…" [_drifts off into lalaland_]

"I think I'll just leave him alone for now since he's rather well occupied. He'll come around in an hour or two. But for now, folks, I have a cute, little redhead to find, a broom closet to occupy, and a cute redhead's explosive (and rather violent if you ask me… personally, I think he needs anger management) older brother to avoid. Ciao!"


End file.
